“SCREAM”…
“THERE IS NO HEALING WITHOUT RAGE…”, my Buddhist/Jewish therapist told me…
“I’m not “that” angry..”. I replied..
He rolled his eyes..”Yeah.. ok…”
I screamed once .. I remember every detail
After my late husbands cancer prognosis .. and the pronunciation that
“No matter what”… just buying time …
I don’t lose it .. WASP women .. we don’t generally raise our voices ..
I have a lovely and practiced “alto”… when I get “upset”… I sound rather high pitched and .. frankly .. not. “female”…
Shouting .. no… SCREAMING.. NEVER …
But I did .. alone .. driving on a back street .. leading up to the local beach in my north shore “Long island” community …
I parked the SUV.. turned up Led ZEPPELIN .. ( why? seemed like Robert Plant could drown me out ..). And I RAGED …
Tears .. screams .. I even pounded the steering wheel …
It felt AMAZING .. even under the circumstances..
So..
According to my Jewish Buddhist Therapist .. whom I have dubbed “JEWDA”..
I am a “smoldering volcano”…
This I know .. explains why I get all squirrely inside unless I run 5 to 6 miles a day .. longer on weekends .
This past weekend .. running through dense snow .. up hills.. I felt my left knee
Sobbing ..
“It’s just a matter of time ..” my ACL warned me …
So.. maybe I need to scream ..
Again ..
I have channeled my “inner Italian” again .. ( not Italian .. but I played one for 15 years ..).
“You’re DEAD to me..”. ( this .. I am GOOD at.. I will ghost, I will delete .. I will ignore .. with. 5 words..)
YOU.. ARE DEAD TO ME ..
Lots of unpleasantness.. HANDLED in that manner ..
Abandonment issues, WASPY woman issues.. a certain “psychopathic” ex who tried to destroy me 8 years ago… people pleasing issues .. and … COVID frustrations …
When I decide to feel nothing .. I do … I picture Jackie Kennedy .. standing straight .. holding her children’s hands .. no expression ..
That is WASPY STRENGTH ..
( never really occurred to me … she threw things in private … we WASP raised .. don’t consider that .. )
Fast forward ..
I felt nothing … I started to study Buddhism .. I found “JEWDA”…
We are culturally different .. he is ALIVE .. he “bubbles”..
I used to bubble ..I know I did ..
He wants me to go out In the middle of Riverside Park and SCREAM…
I am afraid of someone calling 911..
( this is NYC.. NO one will.. )
I tried .. he and I headed out … middle of the wooded area .. no one around ..
I stared at him….
We talked of the things I have pushed so far down , they are clogging up my
Ability to feel..
I stared at him some more ..
Truth is … I fear it.. If all that stuff comes up.. I have to FORGIVE ..
I don’t want to ..not really .. raising GHOSTS.. SCARY
FEAR.. is not allowed .. ( it’s in the WASP WOMAN HANDBOOK..)
I would Rather swallow it than admit how badly I am hurting …
I am STRONG..
That’s WHY people tell me their shit .. never ask about mine ..
I… AM STRONG…
I. can detach quicker than a snake can unhinge his jaw .. listen without reply ..
Direct anyone else’s band …
I DO NOT FEEL.. one way or another ..
it’s not my “shit”…
Wait.. isn’t that WHY I felt compelled to read books on Buddhism .. why I felt I needed to see “Jewda” again .. despite his irritating me with all this “rage” nonsense …
Why I do pretty much everything I do …
I Need to FORGIVE .. not FORGET .. ( we WASPY women are raised to think those two go together ..)
FIRST .. I have to unbury the ANGER..
STEP ONE .. BACK TO THE WOODS..
( UWS residents around 110 and Riverside … “IF” you hear “something” ..
do not be alarmed ..
It’s been a long time in coming …
