GOD IS INDEED…. HOME..
2007.. December 7.. 11:35 a.m… I sat on the bed as the hospice nurse spoke in a calm voice and counted last breathes … My husband, My daughters’ beloved. Father… took his last “air”.. 11:41 a.m.
“That’s IT?” My eyes widened , my mind spun…. as I tried to reconcile what I just witnessed .. “THAT’S THE END?” ( oh my dear soul .. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH..subject for another time .. years to “LEARN”)
The “CHAOS” of DEATH comes after the CALM of it ..
3 days .. the USUAL.. funeral plans.. funeral execution ..FUNERAL OVER..
THE “MOP UP”….
My awe and reverence at the quietness of watching a soul leave a diseased body .. changed to ANGER..
“GOD AND I.. WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY SPEAKING..”, I announced to anyone who dared to ask .. “HOW ARE YOU HANDLING THINGS..”.
My answer..DEFIANTLY.. AND BY MYSELF..
I was CHAOS.. the worst kind .. the type that would not admit it was CHAOS
I was stressed, anxious, .. internally angry.. in denial.. found the “wrong” people because .. well.. my energy called them to me ..
My daughters suffered in silence .. ( and I thought I was protecting them).. how alone they must have felt .. father. physically dead ..mother spiritually dead ..
This was my life .. I smiled through it .. I found the perfect “closeted” sociopath ..I tried to cover the hole in myself and my life with “bubblegum and spit”..
4 years of ZERO GROWTH.. 4 years of not seeing or feeling.. 4 years of CRAP caused by ME.. ( although I blamed everyone else .. VICTIM stance in full force)
Lets let go of those “chapters” for now .
FAST FORWARD ..
2020.. Things are .. a HOT MESS.. (everyone should be coming together in super charged empathy .. we are all suffering . Yet we are more shitty to each other than ever .. )
I could list the many ways our world is uncertain .. but we are all well aware ..
As for me.. Death, upheaval, uncertainty, stress, anxiety … all over again..
But this time.. “GOD” and I .. we are looking for each other .. I believe in a higher power.. and that higher power believes in me ..
I can’t go through what I did before .. I was spiritually broken
To “BREAK” again.. would mean certain death to my soul..
NO.. embracing two UNIVERSAL TRUTHS .. 1) IT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS .. IT IS MY REACTION THAT MATTERS .. 2). THIS TOO SHALL PASS.. BUT WHAT SHALL REMAIN.. MY ACTIONS.. ( see the pattern?)
I take full responsibility for ME.. period … I ask for HELP.. I. refuse to DROWN..
I take deep breathes .. I live my values .. I will be JUST FINE..
( because IT is in my power to accept that I am not in control.. WHAT A RELIEF)
People think A.A. Is for addicts .. it is NOT.. IT IS FOR HUMANS.. all of us..
the “broken, battle scarred” HUMAN WE ALL ARE ..
Lets take the FULL VERSION.. it’s speaks of the brevity of this TIME, in this place.. MOMENTO MORI.. ( we will all die)
Prayer for Serenity
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
AMEN…( which means “I AM”)
At peace ..in the stillness that understanding “I don’t have to BE MY OWN POWER”…
“Realism is important. Pragmatism and scientism and skepticism are too. They all have their place. But still, you have to believe in something. You just have to. Or else everything is empty and cold.” ( Ryan Holliday.. “STILLNESS IS KEY”)